◄clean►

•two thousand and fourteen•
2 0 1 4
This year has definitely been one for the books.

Two years ago I returned home from my mission and I believed that 2012 had been the hardest year of my life to date with the loss of my grandfather and reaching the finish line of my mission. But at the close of this year, two years later, I see that I have never been so wrong. Mainly because 2014 has been the most difficult year of my life by a landslide. Never before have I experienced such heartache, unbelievable sorrow, and unprecedented difficulties.

This year has destroyed me.

But this year also made me by forcing me to experience things I never in a million years wanted to experience. I will NEVER be the same again because of the events that transpired this year.

Among heart wrenching pain that I've never felt before this year, I've experienced some of the highest of highs.

•My beautiful niece Olivia turned 1 year old. I still remember the day she was born and I remember the first time I held her and knew that we would be best friends. Now, almost a year later, she continues to light up my life and bring a smile to my face even when I thought I never could. She has a smile and a laugh that can make every day better and she makes me want to be a better person every time I'm in her presence.

•I got the job as a Lead Teller at America First Credit Union in Provo and that has been quite the learning experience. I have loved having a supervisor position and being able to use the skills that AFCU has taught me over the past two years. I love helping people grow and progress in their positions and seeing them use the skills that I helped incorporate into their jobs. I love AFCU and I have yet to have an employer care so much about the employees as much as the members (customers) that they serve. It has been one of the greatest life lessons working for AFCU and especially in a Lead Teller position.

•I saw my two favorite bands in concert on the same stage. I said once after the concert that my life had always been changing and lacked so much consistency but Paramore and Fall Out Boy have always been the same and have always been my favorite bands. It was a near spiritual experience seeing both of them on the same stage, Paramore for the 4th time for me and the first time seeing Fall Out Boy. That experience was made even better because of the people I was surrounded with.

•I took a trip to Park City with my three best friends shortly after one of the hardest days of my life. They were so amazing and made sure the trip to Park City was special and one that I will never forget. We weren't there for more than 48 hours and it was one of the best trips that I have ever taken. We laughed and shared spiritual moments. We explored and learned new things and it was an incredible thing to spend that time with those people.

I've realized something that took me far too long to realize.

I've always struggled to find and keep true friends. In high school I had a group of 3 friends who I thought was inseparable. I found out that not much after graduation, life began to pull us apart and now we don't even talk anymore. But it wasn't until now in my 24th year of life that I can honestly say that I have found my true friends. I am thankful for the people who have come into my life before to get me on the path I am today because they have helped me find the people who have changed me forever. I have never seen so much support and love come from the most unsuspecting people. They have been there for me in my lowest of lows and my highest of highs and have still stuck around. They know me at my worst and they know me at my best. They have a way of making me forget my troubles and forget all the garbage that sometimes seems to engulf me. They make me want to be a better person and for that, I am eternally grateful. I'm not only grateful for the friends who I spend nearly every day with but for those friends who I don't communicate with everyday but who have in little ways made me realize how much support I really do have. I am forever grateful for all of you.

This year I discovered one of the harshest truths about life and that is that sometimes in life you're given a terrible hand. I have always known and even taught on my mission that life is about trials and testing, but I never expected to be tried and tested in such a way. 2014 dealt me the worst of hands.

It wasn't until June 25th that I realized just how hard this hand would be. On that normal Wednesday afternoon my life was ripped to shreds. Worse than that, it was turned upside down, lit on fire, and sent through a cannon and hit a hard brick wall.

Without going into details about that day the most I can even bear to say is that because of the vindictive and hateful actions of others, my life and my family's life will never be the same. Because of their fear of their own skeletons they thought it better for them to throw someone they once called "son" to the wolves.

Because of that day in June, I've lived experiences I never want to experience again. Many, if not all of them, I would never wish on my worst enemy. I would never want anyone to feel even a particle of what I have had to feel in the last 6 months of my life. I've had moments of the darkest and deepest depression that I feared I would never get out of. I've had close encounters with death and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders at times. Most times it would have been easier to give in to the feelings that tried and continue trying to suffocate me but then my thoughts are directed to the only person who fully understands the depths of my sorrows. My Savior Jesus Christ is the reason I won't be trading in my hand for a new one or throwing in the cards all together. He is the reason I continue to bear this cross that gets far too heavy for me at times. But it is with the knowledge that someone else has felt this pain and to a degree I will never understand that makes it easier for me to continue.

For 6 months my life has been in gray and it all seemed worthless. But the knowledge of a Savior and Redeemer has honestly kept me going. The Savior never once faltered in carrying the weight of the world upon His shoulders. He suffered beyond belief and beyond my own comprehension yet he fulfilled the task his Father set Him out to fulfill. He kept the hand that He was dealt in this life and He finished strong.

Towards the end of my mission I found it hard to sleep. I couldn't imagine my life changing so dramatically and going back to normal life. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and feel the urge to get out of bed and begin writing in my journal. Sometimes it felt like the words were holding sleep hostage for me and I couldn't fall asleep unless I got them on paper. One night in particular I felt very overwhelmed while thinking about Jesus Christ and I began to pour my heart out onto the paper. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote for what felt like hours. Without reading what I wrote I finally felt sleep begin to overcome my body and mind. I went back to bed and it wasn't until morning that I discovered what I read. A lot of it was hard to decipher but one part has stuck out to me ever since. In my journal I read the following words:

"Finish strong as the Savior did."

I did my best to remember that phrase for the remainder of my mission and finished strong.

Numerous times in my life I have knelt on the ground and pleaded with God that the hand I had been dealt could be placed back on the bottom of the deck and I could pick a new one. But like any good parent He only listens and lets me know that it is not possible to trade the hand I've been given. He always tells me that this is the way things are, and though they may be hard they are possible to get through. He reminds me of a man, kneeling on the ground in a garden with blood coming from his pores like sweat, suffering for the sins and transgressions of all of His father's children. He suffered indescribable and excruciating pain for people who would never be able to pay him back. He reminds me that although I may not be Jesus Christ, I have the potential to become as He is. He reminds me that life is hard, and it will only get harder but it will be bearable and possible to continue. Most importantly, He reminds me that because of Jesus Christ I can truly become clean.

c l e a n

For years my life was stained and tangled with relationships that were only meant to bring me down. Many choices I made were based on the opinion of the people I chose to center my life around. I cut ties with my family and closest and dearest friends to please them. I folded under the pressure to believe in their opinions and changed everything about who I was. I made changes to myself that I didn't always agree with just to fit in to the mold that they placed before me. Every aspect of my life became tainted and dirty. I ignored the skeletons flooding from their closets and told myself it wasn't a big deal. I fell into their manipulative trap and lost sight of who I really was. It wasn't until this year that I realized the evil grasp these terrible people held on me.

"I think I'm finally clean"

This year, although excruciatingly painful, taught me one of the biggest lessons I'm so grateful to have learned. It brought me to the lowest of lows to realize how much I needed to change perspective and turn my life around. It taught me that family comes before E V E R Y T H I N G no matter what. There is no excuse for walking away from family, the only people who truly have your back. This year showed me even more how grateful I am for a family who loves and cares about me beyond my own comprehension. I love my family...there is nothing I wouldn't do for them, especially after the love and support they've shown to me during this, the hardest year of my life.

This year taught me that often times we are brought to the darkest spots of our lives only so we can realize how beautiful and amazing life can really be. A song that I have grown to love in the past weeks puts it so perfect when it says:

"Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe...and by morning, gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean."

Numerous times this year it felt as though I was drowning beneath lies, deceit and betrayal and I thought I would never make it out. But it wasn't until I felt all those deep and hurtful emotions that I realized I was finally clean. I was clean from the people who sought to destroy me. I was free from the relationships that had weaved their way so deep into my life and caused nothing but terrible pain and incredible sorrow.

"I think I'm finally clean"

2015 will bring with it many uncertainties, but there are a few things of which I am entirely sure:
►God loves me in a way that I will never be able to understand or fully explain.
►My family is the most important thing to me and NOTHING will be able to change that.
►True friends don't come around too often, I'm lucky enough to have finally found some.
►Nothing feels better than being clean.

Four Years

I don't remember sleeping much. I remember tossing and turning to each side and no matter what I did, my eyes just wouldn't close. I looked at the clock and the time read 3:06 AM. I rolled onto my back and stared blankly into the blackness of my basement bedroom in Hyde Park, Utah. The date was October 20, 2010. Thoughts flooded my brain and worries clouded my thoughts. I tried to envision what it was that I was about to embark on.

I had made the decision after one of the hardest years of my life. One year and one month prior I decided to be baptized into the only true and living church on the earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The first year as a member of the church flew by the moment that I decided I wanted to serve a mission. I began preparing in every little way. Big parts of my lifestyle that weren't in harmony with the gospel were changed and put into order so that one day in the near future I could put my life on hold, leave my family, and head to a foreign land to teach people of Jesus Christ. Those 365+ days prior to this night I had prepared myself mentally and physically for what lied ahead of me. But I couldn't grasp the fact that in 3 hours my alarm would sound, I would get up, get ready and leave my home and my friends and family for 730 long days. 7 3 0 days. Seems daunting? That's because it was. There were few things in my life that I had ever been so nervous for.

Every day of my life was filled with anxiety and worry. No footstep I ever took came without a few brief seconds of nervousness. Every action that took place during my day was carefully thought out. Every word was meticulously placed before the other to form just the right sentence. I walked around nervous, anxious and worried that I would do, or say something wrong. In school, I'd rather crawl into a hole and die than raise my hand to speak in class. I avoided uncomfortable situations like the plague. I found a small group of friends and clung to them during my entire high school career. I joined the swim team regardless of my crippling anxiety and met some amazing new friends along the way. I stepped out of my comfort zone every single day when I left the house for school or a swim practice. Everything I ever did in life caused me grief yet this night at 3:06 AM, nothing seemed scarier than what I was about to do.

I had received the call to Costa Rica a few months prior, on July 14, 2010 to be exact. I had read a little bit about the country online and had a small idea of what it was like. I had been told by one coworker on the day after I received my call that I'd be lucky to come back alive after battling the giant spiders and other crazy wildlife in Costa Rica. I thought I knew what I was going to be in for, but for some reason I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that once my alarm rang I would be ready to be out the door to go to the Provo Missionary Training Center where I would learn and prepare myself to serve as a full-time missionary for the church. I just couldn't picture it and couldn't imagine it. It was something that seemed like it could never be. I had never left the comfort of my home before. I had never been away from my family for more than two weeks and yet here I was about to do all that.

I rolled to one side and told myself that I desperately needed sleep. After many failed attempts to shut down my brain i somehow managed to drift off into sleep. My alarm sounded and I was still in the same position. I think my alarm rang once before my hand slammed down on the button and I was on my knees on the floor. I don't even think that I could form enough sentences to make an actual prayer and I felt my arms shake as my elbows attempted to hold myself up. I got up and got dressed and was able to get all of my bags in the back of our silver Toyota Corolla. I remember every where I walked in the house I could feel my mom and dad looking at me. I knew that their eyes would be glistening with tears so I tried my best to avoid eye contact. We hugged one last time in the kitchen before we got in the car.

Once we got to Provo we made our way to the Brick Oven to eat some lunch. It smelled delicious and I remember filling up my plate and sitting down to try to eat it. I couldn't eat much because my stomach was churning with a mixture of nerves and excitement. We made our way to the temple and this was where I said goodbye to one of my sisters and my brother. I was so nervous when we pulled up inside the MTC and up until we got out of the car. My dad began unloading the suitcases and I hugged my sister good bye and looked around me. There was an energy there that I cannot explain. It was something out of this world and at that moment I felt every ounce of nervousness fade away from me and all I knew was I was excited. I hugged my mom and my dad (two times I believe) before a missionary grabbed me and took me to my dorm where I would be staying.

I met my district soon after that and I remember looking around the room wondering if any of these people would like me, but little did I know that many of them would become my lifelong friends. The day was hectic and overwhelming and I specifically remember trying to go over everything I had just experienced that night when I laid in my very uncomfortable MTC bed. I could hear my companion rustling in his bed as well. I imagine it was hard for both of us to get some sleep. I remember looking at my little $5 clock I bought from Wal-Mart. 11:30 PM it read this time. "1 down, 729 to go" I whispered to myself and caught myself trying not to think about all that was ahead of me and how incredibly scary it seemed at that time.

Now today, October 20, 2014, FOUR YEARS have passed since that gloriously bittersweet day. I can't believe that I have not only finished my mission but here I am writing a blog post about it four years later. There were many times on my mission that I thought it would be so much easier to take myself out of it and just go home. I told myself that somehow there was a mistake and I was not meant to speak Spanish. But somehow, something kept me going in the mission and I made it those 729 days until I stepped off the plane in SLC, and how grateful I am that I did.

The decision to serve a mission was the single greatest decision I have ever made in my entire life. There has been no other accomplishment that has meant more to me than serving a mission. I would have never been able to face the current trials in my life if I hadn't learned to stay strong and persistent with faith in Jesus Christ like I did on my mission. I would never be able to be the spouse that my Heavenly Father expects me to be without serving a mission. I wouldn't be able to be the influence for good in my future children's life that He hoped for me without the blessings that came from serving a mission.

I'm so grateful that I chose to face the daunting fear that loomed over my head that night because the things I learned and the people I met have made the biggest impact in my life. I am not the same person I was four years ago and because of my mission I am able to continue changing, to continue making a difference and to continue improving my life day by day. My life right now may not be how I imagined it would be four or even two years ago, but because of the blessings from my mission (which I still see everyday) I know that things will look up eventually. Hard times will pass. Heartache will heal. Tears will dry and sadness will turn to happiness because Jesus is the Christ and God is our loving Heavenly Father. This very message that I was sent out to preach to the people of Costa Rica has been ingrained inside my soul and has forever changed my life.

Because I chose to follow through with a commitment I made with the Lord I have been blessed immensely. I made lifelong friends, ones with whom I share one of the strongest bonds. I have seen the hand of God perform miracles in front of my eyes. I saw hearts change, lifestyles improve and families blessed during my time as a missionary in paradise. I saw miracles in the lives of those I taught and in my own as well as the lives of my family. My amazing nephew Krew was born during my service as a missionary during one of the hardest times of my mission. I saw how much he blessed my sister's life and I knew that God was very aware of me and my family. My testimony grew and changed and made me into who I am today. My mission became MY sacred experience. It's something I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's something that no one will ever be able to take away from me.

My mission wasn't only filled with amazing experiences and happy moments. Although I had never been happier, I have never felt so scared and sad before. I felt heartache like I had never felt before and I have never felt so alone yet so comforted. I have never been so exhausted and driven so close to tears on a daily basis like I did on my mission. I have never wanted to see someone change so much and felt heartbroken when they used their agency in a way that would take them from the path that led to eternal happiness. I have never felt so much sorrow. But I have never felt so close to my Savior.

Although my mission was filled with moments of sadness, during those moments I have never felt the presence of my Heavenly Father more strongly than I did during those long and tiresome 730 days. My Father in Heaven allowed me to feel the lowest of lows so that I myself could experience my tiny, minute piece of the Savior's atonement. He allowed me to see the dark so that I could feel the light and long for others to be there too. My mission was a walk with the Savior through my own personal Gethsemane and because of that I am so very grateful and my life will NEVER be the same again.

I formed a very personal bond with my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, and that is the greatest thing that I took away from my two years of missionary service. It has been the biggest blessing in my life so far.

I will forever stand in awe and gratitude that I live in a time where Heavenly Father allows his sons and daughters to venture into the world carrying the most important message to the rest of our earthly family. There is no greater gift than being able to spread the word of the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and I am so blessed that I was able to do it in such an amazing place. I will never be able to give back what I have been given in this life and I will most definitely never be able to adequately express the love I have for my mission. It was the best two years for my life and because of it, I will never be the same.

Dead Things

there's bitterness in my bloodstream...been holding on to dead things.

Recently this phrase has resounded in my head on more than one occasion. As I was driving down the street listening to one of my favorite albums, Life Will Write The Words by The Rocket Summer, this line from the song "Not Right" stood out to me and has been stuck in my head ever since.

And then I reflected on my own life and how often I let "dead things" make everything in my life bitter.

too often

With time, everything dies. Relationships end, people change, and the things we create eventually disappear. Too many times in my life I have put so much effort into building a long-lasting friendship only to see it crash and burn right before my eyes...and that's normal. It's one thing about life that is to be expected.

relationships end.
people change.
things die.

Unfortunately, one of the sad truths about life is that all of this is true. But an even sadder thing about life is letting dead things bring bitterness to our bloodstreams. But one of the most liberating feelings is letting go of the dead things that so often lead us to a place of bitterness. I'm learning, day by day, to let go of the things that are only meant to bring me down.

On one particularly hard day in September of 2013 I remember sitting on the side of the road beneath the hot sun with the phone glued to my ear. The sound of my sobbing and sighs from the other line were all that could be heard as I tried to grasp the concept that a relationship that I had worked so hard to construct was coming crashing down right on top of me. I found it hard to entertain the thought that this person who was once so near and dear to me would soon become a stranger -- and a stranger he has become. I managed to regain my composure and step inside the house where my friends and I had been staying. As I went to fill up a cup with water I noticed two magnets stuck to the fridge with words on them. They were the type of magnets that come with a lot of different words and you can form certain sentences on the fridge. There were no other magnets of this type on the fridge, just these two, placed in a particular order that caught my eye. They read:

we g r o w

Those words hit me hard and made me think about the change that was about to happen in my life.

Not sometimes, but all the time in life people grow. We grow up, we grow out, and we grow apart. It's a natural part of life and holding onto something that needs to grow will only tear you down and fill you with bitterness. I realized that for the majority of my life I tried so hard to hold on to situations or people that have already grown. I tried so desperately to hold on to them as I remembered them and not as they needed to be or as they really were. I literally was holding onto dead things.

I have always blamed the loss or changing of friendships on myself. I constantly told myself that if I had done something different or if I had changed or rephrased the way I said something, this person would still be around. I told myself that I was the common thread through all of this, I was the reason that people walked in and out of my life at a frightening rate. I have never been so wrong, and these thoughts couldn't have been more damaging to me. The new relationships I formed with people were fake and fragile. They seemed superficial and hardly real. I found it hard to maintain any relationship, telling myself that only with time would it disappear.

I have been able to see a miraculous difference in my life and relationships as I work towards letting go of things intended to drag me down. As I make a conscious effort to let go of the dead things in my life, I can see things working out and situations getting better. I can look forward with hope and confidence that new people will come into my life to teach me new things that I would have never known before. As I constantly strive to let go of the dead things that I always hold onto, I can feel the bitterness leaving me and I can feel at peace.

Sometimes these people leave a lasting effect, for good or for bad but they always tend to leave you with something and that something is intended for our own growth. It's intended for us to use in future situations, to be a blessing in the life of someone else, to change someone's point of view and to brighten up a segment of their life and then grow, and move on.

For those that have chosen to step out of my life, I appreciate all you did to teach me and help me grow, but know, that I no longer will be holding onto those dead things.

For those intended to stick it out and hang around, I am constantly thanking my Heavenly Father for people like you and I can only hope and pray that this crazy adventure called life will continue with you all by my side...

The Highest and Holiest Calling

I've thought a lot about this mother's day and my mind has been consumed lately about all the experiences I've had and all the blessings I've been able to see unfold in my life and I am humbled by the reason I have been able to experience some of life's greatest treasures and be blessed beyond measure.

my mother

Not only did she give me life but she gave me an amazing life...my mother (and father) has worked so hard her entire life devoted to her children and her family. She can be misunderstood and misread but the reason she does what she does is because she is a mother.

Everything I am and everything I have I owe to her. She was the one who loved me first. She loved me before she even met me and she knew in the first moment that she saw me that she'd love me forever. Although I didn't quite comprehend it in the beginning, now I understand that there is such great strength that lies in knowing that someone will love you forever, no matter your imperfections and no matter the situation that life gives you. Having a mother is having a piece of heaven on earth because our Heavenly Father loves us in such a divine and special way, a way that can only be compared to the love of a mother. I believe that my Heavenly Father loves all of us enough to give us mothers. To give us that selfless soul who will take care of us, inspire us, guide us, protect us and love us always.

She is my biggest supporter and greatest fan. No matter the journey I wanted to take in life, she was always at my side, supporting me and guiding me along the way. She attended every soccer game, every parent-teacher conference, every extracurricular activity and she was present during every struggle and heartache I ever had to face. She was there to kneel beside the bed with me and taught me to pray. She was there to teach me about my Heavenly Father and help me understand His love for me. She was there at absolutely every swim meet in that hot and sweaty pool. She traveled miles upon miles to see me swim even if it were a 1 minute race.

She instilled inside of me a desire to learn and to be a wiser person. She helped me with my homework and she taught me to read. She let me learn from the experiences that life would give me and the consequences that my actions would provide me. She helped me through elementary, middle, and high school and was always my rock just when I needed her.

She assured me that she would always be near me even when I made some of my most difficult choices. She sees in me a potential that I am never quite able to see. She gave me the strength and courage to leave and serve a mission, a decision that I am forever grateful for to this day.

Even while in the cities and jungles of Costa Rica she sent me packages of chocolate, pictures and letters of inspiration to help me keep going. She was the last to hug me goodbye and the first to greet me at the finish line.

She has mothered me from afar and during some of my darkest moments. It's her love and her wise words of advice that make it easier to carry on with this difficult life. She is the most selfless, the most loving and the most incredible person there is.

Sometimes I hate the fact that I care so much. It can get me in some awful situations, but at the end of the day, I am beyond grateful that my mother taught me to love unconditionally, to care for people and to put myself in their shoes and experience life from their point of view. She taught me to feel so deeply for other people and to do whatever I could to brighten their day.

Her job has never been easy. I have never made the weight of motherhood easier for her. There has been moments of tear filled phone calls, scary nights when the wind was blowing, scraped knees, hurt feelings, yet she was there for it all. Present for every moment to give a helping and loving hand. She's lifted me up at every possible moment when I thought I couldn't go on for one more second. Just when I thought going on was impossible, it was her to strengthen my weaknesses.

Although my life may not be easy, it's been worth it and it's been a great life thanks to the many sacrifices that my mother makes. I know it's never been easy but I am so thankful that she took the time and the energy to take upon her this GIANT responsibility. I am forever in debt to my mother and my Heavenly Father for blessing me with someone so incredibly amazing.

Like I said before, everything I am, everything I have I owe to her. I am who I am thanks to her.

Who was the person to sit at the end of my bed when I couldn't sleep?

Who was the one person to sit at every swim meet to cheer me on regardless of the result?

Who was the person to give me life? Love? Advice? and Inspiration?

#ItWasMom


I love you mom.

People Need Other People

A good friend and mentor of mine once invited me to do something that he did at the end of each year. Every year he chooses 10 things about that year that are the top 10 of things accomplished, inspiring moments, or other noteworthy happenings. When he challenged me to do this for 2013, I struggled a lot...

2013 was such a hard year and it brought with it some terrible things. But it also gave me a strength I didn't know I had or even knew that I was developing. Because of my lack of awareness of this strength, I found it difficult to find anything even remotely "noteworthy" about this year from hell. But one day I sat down and tried my hardest to think about the many things that had happened to me during that particularly difficult year. I struggled to think of many happy moments but when I thought about the many life-changing events that occurred during 2013 I was astonished at how much my pen had began to fill the paper. Before I realized it I had narrowed down my top ten for the year of 2013. It was incredibly difficult, but as I stepped back and looked at my list I realized what a ride the previous year had been. Now, I know it's April 2014 and I'm a little late, but I've toyed with the idea of sharing one of my top ten events for 2013. I have toyed with it for so long because it's a subject that's hard for me to talk about but it's something that I face on a daily basis, and it's something that has become very real for me in recent months.

Among the formation and growth of beautiful friendships, the return of my best friend and the birth of my beautiful niece, one thing from my list of top ten would be the day that I realized that I was depressed, and even after that I needed to reach out and get help.

d e p r e s s i o n

It can be such an ugly word. But the stigma that society places on mental illnesses in today's world makes it even uglier. People view depression as an excuse to be whiny or complain a lot. They think it's a scapegoat for dealing with the realities of life and very few people take it seriously when someone comes to them about problem with depression. But depression is very real and it is hardly an excuse to face life's hard trials. It is a true, and deep sorrow that those who have never felt it cannot quite comprehend. It is like falling into a hole with no way out. It is like standing still and watching everything around you pass you by and time fades with you. It changes everything you see, it covers your eyes and your mind and stops you from thinking clearly. It affects everything you feel and poisons EVERY aspect of your existence. It complicates easy things and destroys relationships. It lies to you and leads you to believe that there is no saving you, that you've gone too far and that you have reached the end of your rope. It kicks you when your down and it's absolutely exhausting. It's far more than some lame excuse that society claims depressed people use. It is so desperately needing help but not finding the words or the strength to seek it out. It's hard to diagnose yourself and understand that you have depression with the way the world thinks of it. In today's society the word depression is used so lightly.
I failed my test today and now I'm depressed.
But depression is something so much more than a one-time feeling. It is defined as a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer. It is so much more than a fleeting emotion or a spur of the moment feeling. Depression is real and it is something that was the hardest thing for me to grasp. Those who know me know me as a regular, happy human being who enjoys life and would never suspect that I suffer from depression. In fact, it was hard for me to grasp because of just that. But the day that I finally accepted that was a day that I will never forget and it was a day that changed 2013 for me and became noteworthy enough to make it onto my top ten list for the year.

I had just finished the best semester of school that I had ever had. I had met knew friends, experienced life on my own, got a new amazing job and honestly, I thought things were looking up. But one day things changed. I found it hard to get out of bed and difficult to focus on simple tasks. I lost interest in the things I love and found interest in the things that only brought me down. I lost a desire to do anything, be anything or accomplish anything. I lost my hope and my faith, the very things that kept me afloat during my time in Costa Rica. I hated myself and everything around me and I began to lose a desire to even live anymore. I had hit the rockiest of rock bottoms.

My intense feelings of hate, anger and frustration only intensified and began to rot inside of me. But it wasn't until the day I decided to face it that I couldn't finally feel that there could be a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. It wasn't until the day that I decided to let someone in on how I was feeling.

For many years I had been following a movement called To Write Love on Her Arms. Its sole purpose is to give hope to people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide and assist them in getting help. It had always been a great thing for me to follow and support even though I myself had never dealt with any of these issues until this time in 2013.

I remember first confiding in my mother once I felt that I could do no more. At first, I felt great knowing that someone else was sharing my burden and that someone was my amazing and wonderful mother. Her first instinct was to seek treatment for me and for me to seek to find the road of recovery. I remember going to the Doctor's office and explaining to him my situation. It felt awkward and uncomfortable and I left the office immediately regretting my decision to let people in. I let this feeling of awkwardness persist and fester inside of me. I was determined to keep it all in and never let anyone else in on it. Later on, something provoked me to tell my best friend what had been happening. His reaction was saddening. It only reinforced my decision to keep it on the inside and not let anyone know. When family members or friends asked for follow-up on how I was doing I responded with the casual "good", when really inside nothing I had been doing was helping. I let that fester inside of me until it finally boiled over and I felt like all was lost. On one occasion I read something that struck me so hard it felt like a slap in the face. TWLOHA's founder, Jamie Tworkowski wrote something so profound, so incredibly amazing that it helped me realize that I needed to let people in.

He said:
"You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and roadtrips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else. A living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe better things."

I knew that I could never combat depression on my own and that it was people that I needed the most. I have been surrounded with the most amazing people, and I have the absolute greatest support group. But more than the people I have here on earth to share my burden with, there is one who already took it all, and that is my Savior. I learned during those hard months of 2013 that as much as it took letting others in, it was a lot to let the Savior in, to let Him stand before me, on my right and on my left, to guide me and help me carry the burden that I found I was just too small to carry. There is nothing too big, nothing too grave for him to handle, and while I'm still learning how to let Him help me make my burden light, there isn't a doubt in my mind that His power can make the clouds disperse and the light shine through.

Overcoming my depression has been the biggest trial of my life to date but it has also been the biggest learning experience for me and those around me. I share this story not to grab attention for myself but to share in my experiences as someone who battles depression on a daily basis and who, although imperfect, has managed to battle it to this point. Accepting the fact that I was depressed and finding in myself the strength to seek help for something that society views as non-important has been the single most important thing about 2013, and it is by far the most noteworthy. I know that life is hard and I don't deny that if we put our big boy pants on and get through life the best we can, we can find joy, but I also don't deny that depression is real and often times difficult to explain and I hope that people can understand that and learn to change the way they see and define mental illness.

Regardless of the ugly that this world has to offer I know that it has to offer many beautiful and amazing things. I know that one day all of this will make sense and I know that in the end everything will be alright.