Nope. Still the same feeling. It was a better feeling though. It was one of those reassuring feelings that I had that I knew that I wasn't supposed to be here, that I was supposed to be in Provo, or anywhere within distance for that matter.
It was a comforting feeling, I felt happy in my decision, and those are always the best decisions when you feel a confirmation for having made that decision. I felt sad at the beginning and had sort of an "orphan" feeling. I thought, "well then, where is 'home'?" But no matter how much I needed to get out CV will always be my home, and the home of some VERY special people. Some of which I love so very much.
It was an eventful weekend to say the least. On Saturday morning, my sister called us at 9 in the morning and said they were going to the hospital for severe cramps, and that there, they would decide to keep her or not in the hospital. We jumped for joy, sure that the baby would come that day.
16 hours of labor later, we welcomed the BEAUTIFUL Olivia Jean Schenavar. The third amazing soul to add to my niece and nephew collection. She is absolutely a beauty! I could stare at her all day, in fact, I find myself doing so in the pictures I get from my sister or my mom.
I'm that one person that makes the trip home to see a baby and gets sick. Can you say my luck? Yep. So I wasn't able to see her very much but luckily today I felt better to go and see her.
It was an incredible feeling sitting with this little life inside my arms. I wanted so badly to ask her to speak to me and tell me what she knew. I always wonder that when I first see babies...What did you just see? If you could speak what would you tell me about life? What do you have to say to me? What have you seen? What do you know?
It's so intriguing to me the thought of life growing that way. The formation of the human body is absolutely incredible, and it needs be, to house our spirits, the other great invention of the almighty Creator. But there was something about this baby that struck me. I remember looking at her and seeing her future. I thought about all the things she would face.
I thought about the time she'd learn to walk, the times she'd fall, the times she'd laugh, cry, scream, and smile. I thought about the time when she would go to school, when kids would make fun, when someone would befriend her, when she would cut her knee. I thought about when she would get a boyfriend, when he would break her heart, when she would find great adventures, when she would discover the world and see great things. I saw her in every stage of life, in every emotion the human body can possibly feel. At that moment, I felt that gut feeling. That pit in your stomach. The bad butterflies. I got scared for her thinking about the world she was just born into.
I thought about her heartbreaks, and in my mind I thought "can I take those from her now?" , "can I feel those for her so she wouldn't have to? PLEASE?" Something comforted me and reminded me of the clean slate she had before her. Her life story was ready to be written. With her being the author. I had known this baby for 5 minutes but felt like I had walked and talked with her sometime before. I knew she was stronger than me. I knew I couldn't take her pains away, I couldn't stop her suffering. Even though there was nothing I wanted more.
A peace came over me and the voice I heard said, "she'll be okay."
I looked at her and tears almost welled in my eyes as I remembered the thoughts that had come to mind. I knew she would face some horrible stuff in this world. But she could handle it.
I heard another voice that said, "there is someone who already suffered for what she would suffer." I thought about the Savior and the sufferings he made. He felt similar to me, but in a way a little more intense, He took upon him the pains and sufferings of his people. He willingly took our pains away, he felt so strongly for us that he was willing to take all the sorrow from us willingly, and if we only repent we wouldn't have to suffer. I am thankful for the gift of life, I am thankful for the gift of life to spend in the service of my God and Savior Jesus Christ. I may not always make his burden lighter by my actions, but I know that I have an Older Brother, a Savior to take my pains from me if I willingly give to him what he willingly chose to accept.
I felt also in this short moment of time that it isn't necessary for us to live a life without trials and heartbreaks. Our life is a time of trial and heartbreak, it is a time of learning and growth. Our trials make us a little bit stronger, a little bit more able to face the coming day. Without trials we couldn't become like the Savior or our Heavenly Father. I felt reassured knowing that Olivia was strong and that she will be able to handle any curve ball that will be thrown at her. I felt happy knowing that she was in Heavenly Father's care. I felt strong knowing that she would be strong too. I felt great knowing that the trials in life will help her grow into the amazing woman that she has such great potential to be.
Oh the joys of having a mind that never stops...
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