Four Years

I don't remember sleeping much. I remember tossing and turning to each side and no matter what I did, my eyes just wouldn't close. I looked at the clock and the time read 3:06 AM. I rolled onto my back and stared blankly into the blackness of my basement bedroom in Hyde Park, Utah. The date was October 20, 2010. Thoughts flooded my brain and worries clouded my thoughts. I tried to envision what it was that I was about to embark on.

I had made the decision after one of the hardest years of my life. One year and one month prior I decided to be baptized into the only true and living church on the earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The first year as a member of the church flew by the moment that I decided I wanted to serve a mission. I began preparing in every little way. Big parts of my lifestyle that weren't in harmony with the gospel were changed and put into order so that one day in the near future I could put my life on hold, leave my family, and head to a foreign land to teach people of Jesus Christ. Those 365+ days prior to this night I had prepared myself mentally and physically for what lied ahead of me. But I couldn't grasp the fact that in 3 hours my alarm would sound, I would get up, get ready and leave my home and my friends and family for 730 long days. 7 3 0 days. Seems daunting? That's because it was. There were few things in my life that I had ever been so nervous for.

Every day of my life was filled with anxiety and worry. No footstep I ever took came without a few brief seconds of nervousness. Every action that took place during my day was carefully thought out. Every word was meticulously placed before the other to form just the right sentence. I walked around nervous, anxious and worried that I would do, or say something wrong. In school, I'd rather crawl into a hole and die than raise my hand to speak in class. I avoided uncomfortable situations like the plague. I found a small group of friends and clung to them during my entire high school career. I joined the swim team regardless of my crippling anxiety and met some amazing new friends along the way. I stepped out of my comfort zone every single day when I left the house for school or a swim practice. Everything I ever did in life caused me grief yet this night at 3:06 AM, nothing seemed scarier than what I was about to do.

I had received the call to Costa Rica a few months prior, on July 14, 2010 to be exact. I had read a little bit about the country online and had a small idea of what it was like. I had been told by one coworker on the day after I received my call that I'd be lucky to come back alive after battling the giant spiders and other crazy wildlife in Costa Rica. I thought I knew what I was going to be in for, but for some reason I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that once my alarm rang I would be ready to be out the door to go to the Provo Missionary Training Center where I would learn and prepare myself to serve as a full-time missionary for the church. I just couldn't picture it and couldn't imagine it. It was something that seemed like it could never be. I had never left the comfort of my home before. I had never been away from my family for more than two weeks and yet here I was about to do all that.

I rolled to one side and told myself that I desperately needed sleep. After many failed attempts to shut down my brain i somehow managed to drift off into sleep. My alarm sounded and I was still in the same position. I think my alarm rang once before my hand slammed down on the button and I was on my knees on the floor. I don't even think that I could form enough sentences to make an actual prayer and I felt my arms shake as my elbows attempted to hold myself up. I got up and got dressed and was able to get all of my bags in the back of our silver Toyota Corolla. I remember every where I walked in the house I could feel my mom and dad looking at me. I knew that their eyes would be glistening with tears so I tried my best to avoid eye contact. We hugged one last time in the kitchen before we got in the car.

Once we got to Provo we made our way to the Brick Oven to eat some lunch. It smelled delicious and I remember filling up my plate and sitting down to try to eat it. I couldn't eat much because my stomach was churning with a mixture of nerves and excitement. We made our way to the temple and this was where I said goodbye to one of my sisters and my brother. I was so nervous when we pulled up inside the MTC and up until we got out of the car. My dad began unloading the suitcases and I hugged my sister good bye and looked around me. There was an energy there that I cannot explain. It was something out of this world and at that moment I felt every ounce of nervousness fade away from me and all I knew was I was excited. I hugged my mom and my dad (two times I believe) before a missionary grabbed me and took me to my dorm where I would be staying.

I met my district soon after that and I remember looking around the room wondering if any of these people would like me, but little did I know that many of them would become my lifelong friends. The day was hectic and overwhelming and I specifically remember trying to go over everything I had just experienced that night when I laid in my very uncomfortable MTC bed. I could hear my companion rustling in his bed as well. I imagine it was hard for both of us to get some sleep. I remember looking at my little $5 clock I bought from Wal-Mart. 11:30 PM it read this time. "1 down, 729 to go" I whispered to myself and caught myself trying not to think about all that was ahead of me and how incredibly scary it seemed at that time.

Now today, October 20, 2014, FOUR YEARS have passed since that gloriously bittersweet day. I can't believe that I have not only finished my mission but here I am writing a blog post about it four years later. There were many times on my mission that I thought it would be so much easier to take myself out of it and just go home. I told myself that somehow there was a mistake and I was not meant to speak Spanish. But somehow, something kept me going in the mission and I made it those 729 days until I stepped off the plane in SLC, and how grateful I am that I did.

The decision to serve a mission was the single greatest decision I have ever made in my entire life. There has been no other accomplishment that has meant more to me than serving a mission. I would have never been able to face the current trials in my life if I hadn't learned to stay strong and persistent with faith in Jesus Christ like I did on my mission. I would never be able to be the spouse that my Heavenly Father expects me to be without serving a mission. I wouldn't be able to be the influence for good in my future children's life that He hoped for me without the blessings that came from serving a mission.

I'm so grateful that I chose to face the daunting fear that loomed over my head that night because the things I learned and the people I met have made the biggest impact in my life. I am not the same person I was four years ago and because of my mission I am able to continue changing, to continue making a difference and to continue improving my life day by day. My life right now may not be how I imagined it would be four or even two years ago, but because of the blessings from my mission (which I still see everyday) I know that things will look up eventually. Hard times will pass. Heartache will heal. Tears will dry and sadness will turn to happiness because Jesus is the Christ and God is our loving Heavenly Father. This very message that I was sent out to preach to the people of Costa Rica has been ingrained inside my soul and has forever changed my life.

Because I chose to follow through with a commitment I made with the Lord I have been blessed immensely. I made lifelong friends, ones with whom I share one of the strongest bonds. I have seen the hand of God perform miracles in front of my eyes. I saw hearts change, lifestyles improve and families blessed during my time as a missionary in paradise. I saw miracles in the lives of those I taught and in my own as well as the lives of my family. My amazing nephew Krew was born during my service as a missionary during one of the hardest times of my mission. I saw how much he blessed my sister's life and I knew that God was very aware of me and my family. My testimony grew and changed and made me into who I am today. My mission became MY sacred experience. It's something I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's something that no one will ever be able to take away from me.

My mission wasn't only filled with amazing experiences and happy moments. Although I had never been happier, I have never felt so scared and sad before. I felt heartache like I had never felt before and I have never felt so alone yet so comforted. I have never been so exhausted and driven so close to tears on a daily basis like I did on my mission. I have never wanted to see someone change so much and felt heartbroken when they used their agency in a way that would take them from the path that led to eternal happiness. I have never felt so much sorrow. But I have never felt so close to my Savior.

Although my mission was filled with moments of sadness, during those moments I have never felt the presence of my Heavenly Father more strongly than I did during those long and tiresome 730 days. My Father in Heaven allowed me to feel the lowest of lows so that I myself could experience my tiny, minute piece of the Savior's atonement. He allowed me to see the dark so that I could feel the light and long for others to be there too. My mission was a walk with the Savior through my own personal Gethsemane and because of that I am so very grateful and my life will NEVER be the same again.

I formed a very personal bond with my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, and that is the greatest thing that I took away from my two years of missionary service. It has been the biggest blessing in my life so far.

I will forever stand in awe and gratitude that I live in a time where Heavenly Father allows his sons and daughters to venture into the world carrying the most important message to the rest of our earthly family. There is no greater gift than being able to spread the word of the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and I am so blessed that I was able to do it in such an amazing place. I will never be able to give back what I have been given in this life and I will most definitely never be able to adequately express the love I have for my mission. It was the best two years for my life and because of it, I will never be the same.