◄clean►

•two thousand and fourteen•
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This year has definitely been one for the books.

Two years ago I returned home from my mission and I believed that 2012 had been the hardest year of my life to date with the loss of my grandfather and reaching the finish line of my mission. But at the close of this year, two years later, I see that I have never been so wrong. Mainly because 2014 has been the most difficult year of my life by a landslide. Never before have I experienced such heartache, unbelievable sorrow, and unprecedented difficulties.

This year has destroyed me.

But this year also made me by forcing me to experience things I never in a million years wanted to experience. I will NEVER be the same again because of the events that transpired this year.

Among heart wrenching pain that I've never felt before this year, I've experienced some of the highest of highs.

•My beautiful niece Olivia turned 1 year old. I still remember the day she was born and I remember the first time I held her and knew that we would be best friends. Now, almost a year later, she continues to light up my life and bring a smile to my face even when I thought I never could. She has a smile and a laugh that can make every day better and she makes me want to be a better person every time I'm in her presence.

•I got the job as a Lead Teller at America First Credit Union in Provo and that has been quite the learning experience. I have loved having a supervisor position and being able to use the skills that AFCU has taught me over the past two years. I love helping people grow and progress in their positions and seeing them use the skills that I helped incorporate into their jobs. I love AFCU and I have yet to have an employer care so much about the employees as much as the members (customers) that they serve. It has been one of the greatest life lessons working for AFCU and especially in a Lead Teller position.

•I saw my two favorite bands in concert on the same stage. I said once after the concert that my life had always been changing and lacked so much consistency but Paramore and Fall Out Boy have always been the same and have always been my favorite bands. It was a near spiritual experience seeing both of them on the same stage, Paramore for the 4th time for me and the first time seeing Fall Out Boy. That experience was made even better because of the people I was surrounded with.

•I took a trip to Park City with my three best friends shortly after one of the hardest days of my life. They were so amazing and made sure the trip to Park City was special and one that I will never forget. We weren't there for more than 48 hours and it was one of the best trips that I have ever taken. We laughed and shared spiritual moments. We explored and learned new things and it was an incredible thing to spend that time with those people.

I've realized something that took me far too long to realize.

I've always struggled to find and keep true friends. In high school I had a group of 3 friends who I thought was inseparable. I found out that not much after graduation, life began to pull us apart and now we don't even talk anymore. But it wasn't until now in my 24th year of life that I can honestly say that I have found my true friends. I am thankful for the people who have come into my life before to get me on the path I am today because they have helped me find the people who have changed me forever. I have never seen so much support and love come from the most unsuspecting people. They have been there for me in my lowest of lows and my highest of highs and have still stuck around. They know me at my worst and they know me at my best. They have a way of making me forget my troubles and forget all the garbage that sometimes seems to engulf me. They make me want to be a better person and for that, I am eternally grateful. I'm not only grateful for the friends who I spend nearly every day with but for those friends who I don't communicate with everyday but who have in little ways made me realize how much support I really do have. I am forever grateful for all of you.

This year I discovered one of the harshest truths about life and that is that sometimes in life you're given a terrible hand. I have always known and even taught on my mission that life is about trials and testing, but I never expected to be tried and tested in such a way. 2014 dealt me the worst of hands.

It wasn't until June 25th that I realized just how hard this hand would be. On that normal Wednesday afternoon my life was ripped to shreds. Worse than that, it was turned upside down, lit on fire, and sent through a cannon and hit a hard brick wall.

Without going into details about that day the most I can even bear to say is that because of the vindictive and hateful actions of others, my life and my family's life will never be the same. Because of their fear of their own skeletons they thought it better for them to throw someone they once called "son" to the wolves.

Because of that day in June, I've lived experiences I never want to experience again. Many, if not all of them, I would never wish on my worst enemy. I would never want anyone to feel even a particle of what I have had to feel in the last 6 months of my life. I've had moments of the darkest and deepest depression that I feared I would never get out of. I've had close encounters with death and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders at times. Most times it would have been easier to give in to the feelings that tried and continue trying to suffocate me but then my thoughts are directed to the only person who fully understands the depths of my sorrows. My Savior Jesus Christ is the reason I won't be trading in my hand for a new one or throwing in the cards all together. He is the reason I continue to bear this cross that gets far too heavy for me at times. But it is with the knowledge that someone else has felt this pain and to a degree I will never understand that makes it easier for me to continue.

For 6 months my life has been in gray and it all seemed worthless. But the knowledge of a Savior and Redeemer has honestly kept me going. The Savior never once faltered in carrying the weight of the world upon His shoulders. He suffered beyond belief and beyond my own comprehension yet he fulfilled the task his Father set Him out to fulfill. He kept the hand that He was dealt in this life and He finished strong.

Towards the end of my mission I found it hard to sleep. I couldn't imagine my life changing so dramatically and going back to normal life. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and feel the urge to get out of bed and begin writing in my journal. Sometimes it felt like the words were holding sleep hostage for me and I couldn't fall asleep unless I got them on paper. One night in particular I felt very overwhelmed while thinking about Jesus Christ and I began to pour my heart out onto the paper. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote for what felt like hours. Without reading what I wrote I finally felt sleep begin to overcome my body and mind. I went back to bed and it wasn't until morning that I discovered what I read. A lot of it was hard to decipher but one part has stuck out to me ever since. In my journal I read the following words:

"Finish strong as the Savior did."

I did my best to remember that phrase for the remainder of my mission and finished strong.

Numerous times in my life I have knelt on the ground and pleaded with God that the hand I had been dealt could be placed back on the bottom of the deck and I could pick a new one. But like any good parent He only listens and lets me know that it is not possible to trade the hand I've been given. He always tells me that this is the way things are, and though they may be hard they are possible to get through. He reminds me of a man, kneeling on the ground in a garden with blood coming from his pores like sweat, suffering for the sins and transgressions of all of His father's children. He suffered indescribable and excruciating pain for people who would never be able to pay him back. He reminds me that although I may not be Jesus Christ, I have the potential to become as He is. He reminds me that life is hard, and it will only get harder but it will be bearable and possible to continue. Most importantly, He reminds me that because of Jesus Christ I can truly become clean.

c l e a n

For years my life was stained and tangled with relationships that were only meant to bring me down. Many choices I made were based on the opinion of the people I chose to center my life around. I cut ties with my family and closest and dearest friends to please them. I folded under the pressure to believe in their opinions and changed everything about who I was. I made changes to myself that I didn't always agree with just to fit in to the mold that they placed before me. Every aspect of my life became tainted and dirty. I ignored the skeletons flooding from their closets and told myself it wasn't a big deal. I fell into their manipulative trap and lost sight of who I really was. It wasn't until this year that I realized the evil grasp these terrible people held on me.

"I think I'm finally clean"

This year, although excruciatingly painful, taught me one of the biggest lessons I'm so grateful to have learned. It brought me to the lowest of lows to realize how much I needed to change perspective and turn my life around. It taught me that family comes before E V E R Y T H I N G no matter what. There is no excuse for walking away from family, the only people who truly have your back. This year showed me even more how grateful I am for a family who loves and cares about me beyond my own comprehension. I love my family...there is nothing I wouldn't do for them, especially after the love and support they've shown to me during this, the hardest year of my life.

This year taught me that often times we are brought to the darkest spots of our lives only so we can realize how beautiful and amazing life can really be. A song that I have grown to love in the past weeks puts it so perfect when it says:

"Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe...and by morning, gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean."

Numerous times this year it felt as though I was drowning beneath lies, deceit and betrayal and I thought I would never make it out. But it wasn't until I felt all those deep and hurtful emotions that I realized I was finally clean. I was clean from the people who sought to destroy me. I was free from the relationships that had weaved their way so deep into my life and caused nothing but terrible pain and incredible sorrow.

"I think I'm finally clean"

2015 will bring with it many uncertainties, but there are a few things of which I am entirely sure:
►God loves me in a way that I will never be able to understand or fully explain.
►My family is the most important thing to me and NOTHING will be able to change that.
►True friends don't come around too often, I'm lucky enough to have finally found some.
►Nothing feels better than being clean.