a tribute to life...

"Jesus has overcome...and the grave is overwhelmed.

the victory is won.
He is risen from the dead,
And I will rise when He calls my name.
No more sorrow, no more pain.

I will rise on eagle's wings before my God, fall on my knees

and RISE

I will rise."



the passage of time waits on no one.
it has no mercy. absolutely none.
a whole year has past.

but the news still cuts so deep.



sometimes life is cut so short.

sometimes those we love are taken from us too soon.

sometimes our earthly angels become heavenly angels.

what is comforting during all this is that God is in control.

I remember as it it were yesterday. I had felt weary all day long with the news of the passing of a member in the ward in Pavas. I was questioning the reality of life with our family for the eternities. I remember testifying to a group of people not of our faith of eternal families and of the reality of eternal families as I attempted to comfort the crying mother and daughter that had just lost their husband and father.
yet, still I questioned what I was teaching.

the weariness continued until we got home that night and the phone rang. A large number appeared on the caller id...a sign that the call was coming from out of the country. I recognized the last 7 digits as the number to my house in utah.
the weariness drug me to the bathroom. locked the door. and answered the phone.

hi kolby...

my mom's voice was shaken...with the sound that she had been crying earlier.
i didn't bother asking how she was...i said. what happened!?
she informed me that my grandpa had passed away.
regardless of the strength i demonstrated hours earlier, i lost it at this moment. but felt deep within myself the need to be strong to comfort my family from 3,000 miles away. i said words that at first i didn't believe, but things deep down i knew to be true...that makes no sense, but at the time to me it did.

we may not always comprehend the why behind God's plan. but that is unnecessary because that is why HE is the only ALL KNOWING God. He is in control. and that gives me peace.

a whole year has passed, grandpa. i have felt your presence on numerous occasions. I have seen the imprint of you sitting near me during some of my hardest moments. I know you have seen me. I know you are here with us still...and I know that all will work out for the best after this life. I know that we don't know now, but all will make sense in the end.

i still miss you regardless...



here's a tribute to life well lived. here's a tribute to life cut short and loved ones taken too soon...here's a life with no more sorrow, no more pain.

That feeling in the pit of your stomach...

So I came home from Provo this weekend. My first intention was coming down to see my sisters baby that was SUPPOSED to be born on the 17. Needless to say the baby wasn't born on thursday, but something told me to come down anyway. I made the trip and decided to give that view of the valley from the canyon one more try.

Nope. Still the same feeling. It was a better feeling though. It was one of those reassuring feelings that I had that I knew that I wasn't supposed to be here, that I was supposed to be in Provo, or anywhere within distance for that matter.

It was a comforting feeling, I felt happy in my decision, and those are always the best decisions when you feel a confirmation for having made that decision. I felt sad at the beginning and had sort of an "orphan" feeling. I thought, "well then, where is 'home'?" But no matter how much I needed to get out CV will always be my home, and the home of some VERY special people. Some of which I love so very much.

It was an eventful weekend to say the least. On Saturday morning, my sister called us at 9 in the morning and said they were going to the hospital for severe cramps, and that there, they would decide to keep her or not in the hospital. We jumped for joy, sure that the baby would come that day.

16 hours of labor later, we welcomed the BEAUTIFUL Olivia Jean Schenavar. The third amazing soul to add to my niece and nephew collection. She is absolutely a beauty! I could stare at her all day, in fact, I find myself doing so in the pictures I get from my sister or my mom.

I'm that one person that makes the trip home to see a baby and gets sick. Can you say my luck? Yep. So I wasn't able to see her very much but luckily today I felt better to go and see her.

It was an incredible feeling sitting with this little life inside my arms. I wanted so badly to ask her to speak to me and tell me what she knew. I always wonder that when I first see babies...What did you just see? If you could speak what would you tell me about life? What do you have to say to me? What have you seen? What do you know?

It's so intriguing to me the thought of life growing that way. The formation of the human body is absolutely incredible, and it needs be, to house our spirits, the other great invention of the almighty Creator. But there was something about this baby that struck me. I remember looking at her and seeing her future. I thought about all the things she would face.

I thought about the time she'd learn to walk, the times she'd fall, the times she'd laugh, cry, scream, and smile. I thought about the time when she would go to school, when kids would make fun, when someone would befriend her, when she would cut her knee. I thought about when she would get a boyfriend, when he would break her heart, when she would find great adventures, when she would discover the world and see great things. I saw her in every stage of life, in every emotion the human body can possibly feel. At that moment, I felt that gut feeling. That pit in your stomach. The bad butterflies. I got scared for her thinking about the world she was just born into.

I thought about her heartbreaks, and in my mind I thought "can I take those from her now?" , "can I feel those for her so she wouldn't have to? PLEASE?" Something comforted me and reminded me of the clean slate she had before her. Her life story was ready to be written. With her being the author. I had known this baby for 5 minutes but felt like I had walked and talked with her sometime before. I knew she was stronger than me. I knew I couldn't take her pains away, I couldn't stop her suffering. Even though there was nothing I wanted more.

A peace came over me and the voice I heard said, "she'll be okay."

I looked at her and tears almost welled in my eyes as I remembered the thoughts that had come to mind. I knew she would face some horrible stuff in this world. But she could handle it.

I heard another voice that said, "there is someone who already suffered for what she would suffer." I thought about the Savior and the sufferings he made. He felt similar to me, but in a way a little more intense, He took upon him the pains and sufferings of his people. He willingly took our pains away, he felt so strongly for us that he was willing to take all the sorrow from us willingly, and if we only repent we wouldn't have to suffer. I am thankful for the gift of life, I am thankful for the gift of life to spend in the service of my God and Savior Jesus Christ. I may not always make his burden lighter by my actions, but I know that I have an Older Brother, a Savior to take my pains from me if I willingly give to him what he willingly chose to accept.

I felt also in this short moment of time that it isn't necessary for us to live a life without trials and heartbreaks. Our life is a time of trial and heartbreak, it is a time of learning and growth. Our trials make us a little bit stronger, a little bit more able to face the coming day. Without trials we couldn't become like the Savior or our Heavenly Father. I felt reassured knowing that Olivia was strong and that she will be able to handle any curve ball that will be thrown at her. I felt happy knowing that she was in Heavenly Father's care. I felt strong knowing that she would be strong too. I felt great knowing that the trials in life will help her grow into the amazing woman that she has such great potential to be.

Oh the joys of having a mind that never stops...

FIGHT FOR SOMETHING

There's nothing like getting the intellectual juices flowing that makes me want to blog even more. I thought I would have no time to write but I have found that I do have some time to write, and all this time on my own leaves my brain to wander. The best way for me to process something is through words...


So yesterday I found myself sitting...by myself in the Student Center. I had some time between classes so I sat at a table after buying a sandwich and began to eat. It wasn't long before I looked around and saw nearly everyone in the SC sitting with someone. I looked at my table and noticed that I was still sitting alone.

I glanced around the room some more and noticed more and more people filing in. I began to feel that feeling of despair, deep down in your stomach where you feel a little worthless. I felt alone, in a room full of people I felt really alone. I started thinking in my head the reasons as to why I was alone, to spare all readers the insight of what goes on in my head, let's just say I began to wallow in my own "self-pity" mustering up some childish ideas as to why I was still alone at my table.

It's a funny thing how conscious the Lord really is of us, and how sometimes he just blatantly slaps us in the face with a lesson He would like us to learn. At the exact moment when I was about to get up and leave the Student Center, I looked at another empty table next to mine. A woman, pulled up in her electric wheelchair. On her lap was what she managed to buy for lunch. A baked potato, and chocolate milk. I watched as she struggled to situate herself at the table, I glanced at my chair and saw that with the slight movement of my feet I could slide the chair in and out in virtually any position I wanted.

When she got settled at her table, I noticed she looked at her lap and tried to transfer the items from her lap to the table. Her right arm was useless for her as she focused her energy on the left arm, it began to flail at her side which made it difficult for her to grab hold on these items. I looked at my hands, steadily holding the sandwich as I shoved it between my lips.

After throwing her potato on the table her next task was opening it. With use of only her left arm, she flung the aluminum foil off her potato and her potato began rolling around the table. She managed to steady the potato and attempted to cut it open, pausing here and there trying to control her constant convulsions. When she finally opened the potato and put all the condiments on she began to eat. I looked at my phone and noticed that a simple act of getting situated, and preparing a baked potato had taken her 13 minutes, something that takes me less than one.

I turned and looked the other way as situations like these tend to "tug" on my heart strings. I tried to force the picture of her struggling out of my mind and then it hit me. I returned my gaze to her and began watching her eat with great difficulty.

Sometimes, in the midst of our own self-criticism the Lord always manages to teach us a lesson. At least in my case...I knew that He was attempting to teach me about gratitude and humility. I felt all my limbs a little stronger at that moment, I felt my mind clear up just a little bit more. I felt deep within my heart the gratitude that even though my problems may seem real to me, there is always someone who has it worse. Even though I wish I could take her problems away, I can't. Her problems are hers, and its the Lords way of teaching us how to adapt and be strong in our own given setting. I believe that was a tender mercy, sent to ME, to show ME how to open up my mind and heart and flood them with gratitude and appreciation for the things I do have. I may not have a table-full of friends, I may not have something to do every Friday night, but I am incredibly and unbelievably BLESSED to be here on this earth in my given situation. I am so grateful that the Lord in His wisdom blessed me with the sight of this girl that day to make me more grateful of the things I have in this world...Instead of the things that I lack.

This life is about overcoming. It's overcoming our small shortcomings and making them into great leaps of faith, and great strides of accomplishment. Our lives are for standing for something and making something great out of the imperfect pieces that we are left with.

This life is about FIGHTING for something.

2012 dos.mil.doce

So...I know its already the 6th of January, but I had to do a 2012 post sometime, and school officially starts tomorrow, so I have decided that writing on here wouldn't be much of an option once the semester starts.

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2012 was an interesting year. It was by far the hardest year of my life. I experienced some of the most excruciating pain of my life, but also some of the most amazing moments of joy.

In this crazy year, I began the last stretch of my full-time mission in Costa Rica. I was in an area called Pavas...oh the adventures I had there. I experienced my first robbing, first 3 shootings, I made homemade bread, met people that saved my life, got scared to death, met a witch, fought demons, and lived in a small space between two houses. But I wouldn't trade any of that for anything that life has to offer.

On January 24 my grandpa passed away. It was a hard thing to cope with, especially just starting the new year, and exactly one week after his birthday. I had a hard time trying to console my broken family from 3,000 miles away, and I guess that's something I still carry with me. I know I was expected to be the strong one but found it hard to do so while battling my own demons in a foreign country. Somehow, we all managed to get through. It was the hardest experience ever, losing someone you love and not getting to say goodbye, but it was one of the most memorable and cherished moments of my mission. It was an opportunity to really experiment with the atonement of Jesus Christ and to ponder in my heart what it really meant for me. I loved the time I got to spend on my knees begging for strength for another day and watching the Lord's hands lift me up day by day. That is why Pavas holds such a special place in my heart. It was my Gethsemane stomping grounds.

In March, the love of my life entered the mission field. She went to Missouri and is tearing it up out there. Even from 3,000 miles away it created a hole inside of me to know that the girl I fell in love with would not be home to greet me in the months to come. REGARDLESS! I support her all the way and know that she is EXACTLY where the Lord needs her.

I said goodbye to one amazing mission President and his family while welcoming in another amazing man INSPIRED of God to lead the greatest work on this earth, in the most beautiful of places, mi linda tierra COSTA RICA! My life is forever changed because of these two amazing men and my testimony has been strengthened because of their faith and the faith of their families.

I got accepted to BYU after the largest inner debate of my life. The life I lived in CV haunted me enough in CR that I knew I had to get out. I made the decision and applied, putting everything in the Lord's hands, trusting that he would take care. I got in...still feeling like I don't quite belong, but I know that I have a purpose here, and I know that I needed to escape from the things happening at "home".

Another tragedy struck the family, one I was unaware of until I came home, but it happened nonetheless. The good thing about my amazing family, is that nothing can tear us apart. It only made us stronger, with more insight into the imperfections of men. We are all imperfect, but we are family, and if your family turns you down, what do you have to live for? I love my family and am so grateful for their existence, they are what keeps me going each day.

In 2012 I also experienced one of the saddest days of my life, the 25th of October. The day I finished my mission in Costa Rica. It was a bittersweet day, but mostly bitter. I was excited to get home and see my family, but the realization that I was no longer a missionary was more for me to handle. My family met me at the airport and we rejoiced, but deep down I knew what was waiting for me back in Logan. I had waited 2 long years for that nice view of the valley as you leave Sardine Canyon, its always a view I loved after coming home from a trip or something. But I remember pulling around and seeing the place I call home and I felt a burden unbelievably strong fall on my shoulders. I was tempted to throw the car into reverse and head back on a plane to CR...It was not expected, and the feelings I got next weren't either. We made our way to the church and I sat with my newly called Stake President. I looked him in the eyes, confident with the belief that I could be strong through all this. He asked me a simple question "Can you tell me about your mission?"...I lost it. Of course I can tell you about the greatest 24 months, 2 years, and 730 days of my life. Yes I can tell you where I experienced most sorrow and most joy in one meeting. Surely, I can put into the words the relationship I gained with the Savior, the love that grew for the country, the language, the food and the opportunity to spread the gospel. Nope..I couldn't, I could not get through my tears enough to explain this journey that had COMPLETELY changed me for the better.

The hardest part about coming home was coming to grips that people change. I saw my friends from high school and the roads and paths they had taken, although I am more than supportive of the lives they want to live, it makes me sad knowing the things I know and seeing the things I've seen. I've come to accept the things I cannot change, and I have come to embrace them in their difference, but never leave them out from my prayers.

I didn't know that coming home would also mean being a mentor...that was something I never thought I would be cut out to do, but little did I know that the Lord prepared me from day one of my mission, for the time that I would come home. I spent a lot of time home with a kid who changed my life. He means the world to me and has become my best friend. I have learned that I am grateful for trials in our lives. And I know that trials fit us like shoes, they are ours and no one else's. I know that my friend can get through his trials, I know he will make it through, and I see such great potential in him and look forward to seeing the change made in him in the next coming years.

I had a mission reunion with a man that changed my life forever. I saw some of my lifelong friends, many of which I walked side by side with on the streets of Costa Rica. We experienced the best of the best and the worst of the worst together, all while being guided by a true man of God.

Life was spent getting ready for school, preparing for the first holiday season with the family after 3 years, and ringing in the new year with all it's new changes. It wasn't quite the end of the year that I expected but it happened and I can't take it back.

2012 was the craziest year of my entire life. I have pondered the reason for it's existence and I still am found answerless...maybe I will never know the reason behind all the "suffering" as we see it. But I know that one day the answers will be so clear, and we will laugh and think "how did we miss that??"

I loved 2012 in all of its imperfections...I will forever remember the mark it left on my life, and the lessons I have learned. I will always remember the experiences I had, and the relationships that were gained. I look forward with faith to more experiences ahead in 2013...it should be an interesting year. I don't know what it has in store for me, but I know that if I put the Lord first in everything I do in my life, he will tell me what comes second.


Bienvenido 2013...