Dead Things

there's bitterness in my bloodstream...been holding on to dead things.

Recently this phrase has resounded in my head on more than one occasion. As I was driving down the street listening to one of my favorite albums, Life Will Write The Words by The Rocket Summer, this line from the song "Not Right" stood out to me and has been stuck in my head ever since.

And then I reflected on my own life and how often I let "dead things" make everything in my life bitter.

too often

With time, everything dies. Relationships end, people change, and the things we create eventually disappear. Too many times in my life I have put so much effort into building a long-lasting friendship only to see it crash and burn right before my eyes...and that's normal. It's one thing about life that is to be expected.

relationships end.
people change.
things die.

Unfortunately, one of the sad truths about life is that all of this is true. But an even sadder thing about life is letting dead things bring bitterness to our bloodstreams. But one of the most liberating feelings is letting go of the dead things that so often lead us to a place of bitterness. I'm learning, day by day, to let go of the things that are only meant to bring me down.

On one particularly hard day in September of 2013 I remember sitting on the side of the road beneath the hot sun with the phone glued to my ear. The sound of my sobbing and sighs from the other line were all that could be heard as I tried to grasp the concept that a relationship that I had worked so hard to construct was coming crashing down right on top of me. I found it hard to entertain the thought that this person who was once so near and dear to me would soon become a stranger -- and a stranger he has become. I managed to regain my composure and step inside the house where my friends and I had been staying. As I went to fill up a cup with water I noticed two magnets stuck to the fridge with words on them. They were the type of magnets that come with a lot of different words and you can form certain sentences on the fridge. There were no other magnets of this type on the fridge, just these two, placed in a particular order that caught my eye. They read:

we g r o w

Those words hit me hard and made me think about the change that was about to happen in my life.

Not sometimes, but all the time in life people grow. We grow up, we grow out, and we grow apart. It's a natural part of life and holding onto something that needs to grow will only tear you down and fill you with bitterness. I realized that for the majority of my life I tried so hard to hold on to situations or people that have already grown. I tried so desperately to hold on to them as I remembered them and not as they needed to be or as they really were. I literally was holding onto dead things.

I have always blamed the loss or changing of friendships on myself. I constantly told myself that if I had done something different or if I had changed or rephrased the way I said something, this person would still be around. I told myself that I was the common thread through all of this, I was the reason that people walked in and out of my life at a frightening rate. I have never been so wrong, and these thoughts couldn't have been more damaging to me. The new relationships I formed with people were fake and fragile. They seemed superficial and hardly real. I found it hard to maintain any relationship, telling myself that only with time would it disappear.

I have been able to see a miraculous difference in my life and relationships as I work towards letting go of things intended to drag me down. As I make a conscious effort to let go of the dead things in my life, I can see things working out and situations getting better. I can look forward with hope and confidence that new people will come into my life to teach me new things that I would have never known before. As I constantly strive to let go of the dead things that I always hold onto, I can feel the bitterness leaving me and I can feel at peace.

Sometimes these people leave a lasting effect, for good or for bad but they always tend to leave you with something and that something is intended for our own growth. It's intended for us to use in future situations, to be a blessing in the life of someone else, to change someone's point of view and to brighten up a segment of their life and then grow, and move on.

For those that have chosen to step out of my life, I appreciate all you did to teach me and help me grow, but know, that I no longer will be holding onto those dead things.

For those intended to stick it out and hang around, I am constantly thanking my Heavenly Father for people like you and I can only hope and pray that this crazy adventure called life will continue with you all by my side...

The Highest and Holiest Calling

I've thought a lot about this mother's day and my mind has been consumed lately about all the experiences I've had and all the blessings I've been able to see unfold in my life and I am humbled by the reason I have been able to experience some of life's greatest treasures and be blessed beyond measure.

my mother

Not only did she give me life but she gave me an amazing life...my mother (and father) has worked so hard her entire life devoted to her children and her family. She can be misunderstood and misread but the reason she does what she does is because she is a mother.

Everything I am and everything I have I owe to her. She was the one who loved me first. She loved me before she even met me and she knew in the first moment that she saw me that she'd love me forever. Although I didn't quite comprehend it in the beginning, now I understand that there is such great strength that lies in knowing that someone will love you forever, no matter your imperfections and no matter the situation that life gives you. Having a mother is having a piece of heaven on earth because our Heavenly Father loves us in such a divine and special way, a way that can only be compared to the love of a mother. I believe that my Heavenly Father loves all of us enough to give us mothers. To give us that selfless soul who will take care of us, inspire us, guide us, protect us and love us always.

She is my biggest supporter and greatest fan. No matter the journey I wanted to take in life, she was always at my side, supporting me and guiding me along the way. She attended every soccer game, every parent-teacher conference, every extracurricular activity and she was present during every struggle and heartache I ever had to face. She was there to kneel beside the bed with me and taught me to pray. She was there to teach me about my Heavenly Father and help me understand His love for me. She was there at absolutely every swim meet in that hot and sweaty pool. She traveled miles upon miles to see me swim even if it were a 1 minute race.

She instilled inside of me a desire to learn and to be a wiser person. She helped me with my homework and she taught me to read. She let me learn from the experiences that life would give me and the consequences that my actions would provide me. She helped me through elementary, middle, and high school and was always my rock just when I needed her.

She assured me that she would always be near me even when I made some of my most difficult choices. She sees in me a potential that I am never quite able to see. She gave me the strength and courage to leave and serve a mission, a decision that I am forever grateful for to this day.

Even while in the cities and jungles of Costa Rica she sent me packages of chocolate, pictures and letters of inspiration to help me keep going. She was the last to hug me goodbye and the first to greet me at the finish line.

She has mothered me from afar and during some of my darkest moments. It's her love and her wise words of advice that make it easier to carry on with this difficult life. She is the most selfless, the most loving and the most incredible person there is.

Sometimes I hate the fact that I care so much. It can get me in some awful situations, but at the end of the day, I am beyond grateful that my mother taught me to love unconditionally, to care for people and to put myself in their shoes and experience life from their point of view. She taught me to feel so deeply for other people and to do whatever I could to brighten their day.

Her job has never been easy. I have never made the weight of motherhood easier for her. There has been moments of tear filled phone calls, scary nights when the wind was blowing, scraped knees, hurt feelings, yet she was there for it all. Present for every moment to give a helping and loving hand. She's lifted me up at every possible moment when I thought I couldn't go on for one more second. Just when I thought going on was impossible, it was her to strengthen my weaknesses.

Although my life may not be easy, it's been worth it and it's been a great life thanks to the many sacrifices that my mother makes. I know it's never been easy but I am so thankful that she took the time and the energy to take upon her this GIANT responsibility. I am forever in debt to my mother and my Heavenly Father for blessing me with someone so incredibly amazing.

Like I said before, everything I am, everything I have I owe to her. I am who I am thanks to her.

Who was the person to sit at the end of my bed when I couldn't sleep?

Who was the one person to sit at every swim meet to cheer me on regardless of the result?

Who was the person to give me life? Love? Advice? and Inspiration?

#ItWasMom


I love you mom.