2013 was such a hard year and it brought with it some terrible things. But it also gave me a strength I didn't know I had or even knew that I was developing. Because of my lack of awareness of this strength, I found it difficult to find anything even remotely "noteworthy" about this year from hell. But one day I sat down and tried my hardest to think about the many things that had happened to me during that particularly difficult year. I struggled to think of many happy moments but when I thought about the many life-changing events that occurred during 2013 I was astonished at how much my pen had began to fill the paper. Before I realized it I had narrowed down my top ten for the year of 2013. It was incredibly difficult, but as I stepped back and looked at my list I realized what a ride the previous year had been. Now, I know it's April 2014 and I'm a little late, but I've toyed with the idea of sharing one of my top ten events for 2013. I have toyed with it for so long because it's a subject that's hard for me to talk about but it's something that I face on a daily basis, and it's something that has become very real for me in recent months.
Among the formation and growth of beautiful friendships, the return of my best friend and the birth of my beautiful niece, one thing from my list of top ten would be the day that I realized that I was depressed, and even after that I needed to reach out and get help.
It can be such an ugly word. But the stigma that society places on mental illnesses in today's world makes it even uglier. People view depression as an excuse to be whiny or complain a lot. They think it's a scapegoat for dealing with the realities of life and very few people take it seriously when someone comes to them about problem with depression. But depression is very real and it is hardly an excuse to face life's hard trials. It is a true, and deep sorrow that those who have never felt it cannot quite comprehend. It is like falling into a hole with no way out. It is like standing still and watching everything around you pass you by and time fades with you. It changes everything you see, it covers your eyes and your mind and stops you from thinking clearly. It affects everything you feel and poisons EVERY aspect of your existence. It complicates easy things and destroys relationships. It lies to you and leads you to believe that there is no saving you, that you've gone too far and that you have reached the end of your rope. It kicks you when your down and it's absolutely exhausting. It's far more than some lame excuse that society claims depressed people use. It is so desperately needing help but not finding the words or the strength to seek it out. It's hard to diagnose yourself and understand that you have depression with the way the world thinks of it. In today's society the word depression is used so lightly.
But depression is something so much more than a one-time feeling. It is defined as a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer. It is so much more than a fleeting emotion or a spur of the moment feeling. Depression is real and it is something that was the hardest thing for me to grasp. Those who know me know me as a regular, happy human being who enjoys life and would never suspect that I suffer from depression. In fact, it was hard for me to grasp because of just that. But the day that I finally accepted that was a day that I will never forget and it was a day that changed 2013 for me and became noteworthy enough to make it onto my top ten list for the year.
I had just finished the best semester of school that I had ever had. I had met knew friends, experienced life on my own, got a new amazing job and honestly, I thought things were looking up. But one day things changed. I found it hard to get out of bed and difficult to focus on simple tasks. I lost interest in the things I love and found interest in the things that only brought me down. I lost a desire to do anything, be anything or accomplish anything. I lost my hope and my faith, the very things that kept me afloat during my time in Costa Rica. I hated myself and everything around me and I began to lose a desire to even live anymore. I had hit the rockiest of rock bottoms.
My intense feelings of hate, anger and frustration only intensified and began to rot inside of me. But it wasn't until the day I decided to face it that I couldn't finally feel that there could be a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. It wasn't until the day that I decided to let someone in on how I was feeling.
For many years I had been following a movement called To Write Love on Her Arms. Its sole purpose is to give hope to people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide and assist them in getting help. It had always been a great thing for me to follow and support even though I myself had never dealt with any of these issues until this time in 2013.
I remember first confiding in my mother once I felt that I could do no more. At first, I felt great knowing that someone else was sharing my burden and that someone was my amazing and wonderful mother. Her first instinct was to seek treatment for me and for me to seek to find the road of recovery. I remember going to the Doctor's office and explaining to him my situation. It felt awkward and uncomfortable and I left the office immediately regretting my decision to let people in. I let this feeling of awkwardness persist and fester inside of me. I was determined to keep it all in and never let anyone else in on it. Later on, something provoked me to tell my best friend what had been happening. His reaction was saddening. It only reinforced my decision to keep it on the inside and not let anyone know. When family members or friends asked for follow-up on how I was doing I responded with the casual "good", when really inside nothing I had been doing was helping. I let that fester inside of me until it finally boiled over and I felt like all was lost. On one occasion I read something that struck me so hard it felt like a slap in the face. TWLOHA's founder, Jamie Tworkowski wrote something so profound, so incredibly amazing that it helped me realize that I needed to let people in.
He said:
Overcoming my depression has been the biggest trial of my life to date but it has also been the biggest learning experience for me and those around me. I share this story not to grab attention for myself but to share in my experiences as someone who battles depression on a daily basis and who, although imperfect, has managed to battle it to this point. Accepting the fact that I was depressed and finding in myself the strength to seek help for something that society views as non-important has been the single most important thing about 2013, and it is by far the most noteworthy. I know that life is hard and I don't deny that if we put our big boy pants on and get through life the best we can, we can find joy, but I also don't deny that depression is real and often times difficult to explain and I hope that people can understand that and learn to change the way they see and define mental illness.
Regardless of the ugly that this world has to offer I know that it has to offer many beautiful and amazing things. I know that one day all of this will make sense and I know that in the end everything will be alright.
